Here are some of the ridiculous things I did to exes (some unwittingly):
- Baked a birthday cake, just to discover later than one of my French bulldogs lightly pissed on the bag containing said cake. I didn’t notice until I gave it to her.
- Tickled her upper lip with a peacock feather. It vexed the shit out of her.
- Made her miss most of Sungod because I had to fix my car.
- Hid under thick sheets for 20 minutes and rose up to terrorize her. I’ve never scared someone so good in my life.
But there was one ridiculous thing I made an ex do that I definitely don’t regret.
I made her write me a letter. (Welcome to The Breakup Series.)
Flashback to summer 2013. I was in the middle of a shitty breakup. It was a relationship that I just kept trying to fix. I obsessed over how to text her back, thinking that every carefully planned out word might change her mind. Yeah…it was one of those breakups.
I remember the NBA Finals were on, and we weren’t officially separated yet. So I made a bet with her. If the Heat wins, which of course they did, then she would have to write me 2 letters.
The first letter I requested is a formal breakup letter. I wanted the true reasons for the breakup, because she never gave me one. It was the “please-tell-me-what-fucking-happened-so-I-can-carry-on” letter. I wanted some goddamn closure.
The second letter I requested is for her to write from my point of view how the relationship progressed and declined. I always felt misunderstood by her, and was wondering what she would come up with.
Trying to get the letters from her was like trying to run underwater. But I persisted. A bet is a bet. I deserve this.
Alas, the first letter came. Reading it hurt a lot but it also lifted a huge weight off my mind. I now know the real reason. In fact, it was the reason I knew yet denied through the course of our relationship. I got my closure and was more or less able to move on.
I never got the second letter.
This is my third attempt at writing this note. I cannot write the other letter for you. It is mentally impossible for me.
So that’s the most ridiculous thing I did to an ex, and I don’t regret it.
I’d love to hear your stories. Slashed tires? Draw on their sleeping faces?
Also published on Medium.